contradiction of epic proportions

I hate change. Can't stand the thing. Even if something is going absolutely terribly, I try to ignore it and stay as even keel as possible. That's how I landed in the hospital with near kidney failure the on the eve of 2017. I thought if I kept ignoring the symptoms, they'd go away and nothing in my diet or daily life would have to change. My idea of heaven. 

An IV drip and a few bouts of painfully (literally) aggressive antibiotics have taught me otherwise. 

I moved to the East Coast without paying attention to it. As previously mentioned, I got an idea and followed it blindly til I came up for air about three months ago. 

Look at this thing I accidentally did that changed my whole life! What am I like...

Now I've been here for 11 months. Been at the same job for 315 days. Been drinking this tea for 2 hours. You get it. 

I've got big life changes coming around the bend and I find myself already grieving the life I made the first few months I landed here.I'm still grieving the life I had in Edmonds. A whiff of Spring air sent me back to last year when I spent my afternoons in Tyler Park watching the river and today I heard a song I listened to with some close friends outside of Taki Tiki on a cold Autumn night that should have found us indoors. 

 I certainly don't think I've found a place to hang my hat yet. I don't know when I'll be done roaming, so in the meantime I'll keep my roots firmly planted in the ribcages of the people who make this all worth endeavoring. 

there goes the fear

So I did the thing.

It’s been almost a year and it still feels very fresh. A couple days ago I texted my sister  & asked what had happened. A year ago I was an infant teacher and living part time in West Seattle and sort of had a dog and a big group of friends and suddenly I was pulling into my boyfriend’s driveway in New Jersey after a long day reconciling accounting errors in Princeton.

Over the years I’ve grown acutely aware of my tendency to blindly follow a fleeting thought and only later come out of my Determination Coma to figure out what new path I’ve sent my vessel careening down this time. This problematic behavior is especially apparent when someone asks for advice about one of my weird adventures and all I can say is "Do it? Decide you want to do it and then don't stop until it happens?"  Because to be honest, I'm not even sure how the little details worked themselves out. But they also seem to. 

People ask me if I like New Jersey or PA or the East Coast and if it’s better or different or less colorful. I’m sure there’s some scientific explanation to this psychological marco polo game I play, but I don’t consider my life in Seattle and my life on the East Coast to coexist in any sense. This move changed me as all large, life altering circumstances are wont to do, and I feel like I’ve adopted someone else’s life and personality as a result.

If you were expecting this to have any sort of rhyme or reason, I’ve got some bad news for you.

I’ll be back with some photos that prove my existence over the last eleven months.